Alpha Centauri: Part 3: Jesus is Bad for Business

Poking though the expanse of fungus we come across intelligent(-ish) life, The Believers.

Ugh, Sister Miriam Godwinson has the look of someone who eats boiled eggs for breakfast every day and only drinks black coffee. Love how she’s in front of fluffy clouds like she got that portrait taken at a Sears.

Sup.

She’s annoying and all but still human so I send over what we know about Centauri Ecology. Imma big ‘ol softy sometimes (don’t tell Andrew Carnegie).

Haha, nice try. No, charity here, Sister!

Not sure if I can afford a war, so yes yes, peace.  Praise the Lord, etc. etc.

Jesus yes just go away. At this point I notice one of her base is right across the border. It was undefended. Like, completely. But I JUST signed that treaty so I do the sensible thing and listen to my conscience…

…which tells me to take that shit! Unfortunately, the base is too small and it’s destroyed in the attack liberation. Uh oh, someone is on Line 1.

That’s…not the greeting I was expecting. Where’s the wrath, the fire and brimstone?

Yup, there it is. My destruction? Does she know I’M IN YOUR BASE KILLING YOUR DUDES.

Look at this gal. Others. It’s just you and me. And (possibly) The Lord. And the Mind Worms. And a bunch of alien garbage. But never mind all that.

25 spacebux? I LIGHT MY MORGAN CO BRAND CIGARS WITH 25 SPACEBUX BILLS EVERY MORNING. Well I’m just gonna rush to her base now. WTF, 25 spacebux really?

We fight some skirmishes and I destroy another base. Some bizarre things happen during the search for her HQ.

uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

UHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

In spite of 2001-esque trips through space and time, my armies find Godwinson’s headquarters, New Jerusalem (real subtle, Sister, real subtle).

I send in my trusty recovered Rover for the kill. The odds are close but these guys have stomped Mind Worms, surely they can handle some bible thumpers. I close my eyes and send them in.

Not that’s the official version of what happened. Fearing the strength of my army of drafted foot soldiers armed with BB guns and sharp sticks escorted by a scavenged rover, Sister jumped in the escape pod like a Bond villain and got out of Dodge.  Here’s what I’d like to think happened.

My army rolls in, wanting only to bring space-McDonalds and space-Budweiser to Sister Miriam Godwinson’s oppressed church-goers. They rustled up the good Sister and knowing what a pain in the ass she’d be for another faction, stuffed her ass in an escape pod with a box of boiled eggs and a bible and lit the fuse.

We later found out she seemingly landed across a small see. So much the better, she’s probably pretty pissed about the whole thing over there. Will likely raise an army to save her ex-followers from all the space-Woppers they’re eating now. Oh well, we’ll worry about that later. With any luck she’ll end up picking a fight with someone else along the way. In the meantime, we’ve got a lot of land to set up Morgan Co. franchises in.

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About Stylist

Poet, librarian, and video game enthusiast.
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One Response to Alpha Centauri: Part 3: Jesus is Bad for Business

  1. tiamonster says:

    That chick gives gingers a bad name …

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