Far Cry 2: Not A Nice Man

I met a nice French lady in Africa the other day. Turns out she dropped a suitcase on the train she was aboard when it was attacked by bandits. Wants to meet a nice man who can go and get it back for her. Love is hard to find on the Savanna, especially when your hands are bloody from the dozens of jobs you’ve been doing for competing warlords.  I tell her I’ll give it my best shot.

First, I grab a boat, because traveling by road is a little more dangerous. I’d hate to have to smoke some mercs while doing A Good Thing.


I head up-river to the train yard and find a nice cozy perch – a place where a man can get some thinking done (not to mention some effective recon).


I crouch-waddle down the hill and run inside the L-shaped arrangement of cars in the foreground. Nobody’s yelling in swift Afrikaans, so I’m reasonably certain I haven’t been spotted. I grab the case (kinda heavy?) and make for the hill that I just left. Not even five steps out the door, I hear telltale chik-CHAK of a shotgun being cocked. That’s not usually how people start friendly conversations in Africa, so I high-tail it out of there. No shooting for me sir. I’m being a nice man. For love.

Sun’s going down, I find a jeep, and I’m driving down the road, when I see something curious.


Dunno if you’ve ever played Far Cry 2 before. If you haven’t, you might think an empty jeep in the middle of the road is nothing to wonder at. Might go give it a little poke, see if it’s in better shape than your current SUV. Unwise, friend. You wouldn’t last twelve minutes on the savanna.

If you have played Far Cry 2, you’re probably already thinking something like, “Oh shit, is that a – FUCK IT NEVERMIND GO JUMP IN THAT RIVER TO THE LEFT NO WAIT! bequiet hecouldbeanywhere is that a rock? gohidebehindthatrock shhhhhhhh — slowly…”

Yeah, so long story short, he sees me. He decides that hopping into his jeep and smashing it into my hiding place (the rock) might scare me or something. It doesn’t, and I’ve had it up to my pith helmet with being nice. I get the idea to play hot potato and toss him a frag grenade. I guess he doesn’t like games, because he runs the other way.


Yeah, that got him. Guess I’ll have to find a ride back to Pala, so I can tell La Petite Blonde to take her suitcase and go fuck herself.

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